Tuesday 6 August 2013

Striking Distance


The press conference has barely begun when the idea to punch Bruce Willis pops fully-formed into my head. 

It’s one of the hottest days of the year and I’m lightly broiling on a boat on the Thames with about 50 other writers and media whores, attending the press junket for his new action/comedy RED 2.  I’m secretly hoping Willis will make an entrance by abseiling onto the boat from Hungerford Bridge and crashing through the window, after all they shouldn’t have put him on the water if they didn’t want him to make waves.  I know it’s highly unlikely though and console myself with a beer and a brownie.

Dame Helen Mirren and Weeds star Mary-Louise Parker are already in attendance, Dame Helen working the assembled hacks like a pro, killing time while we wait for Brucie to make his entrance by kicking off a debate about the impending birth of the Royal Baby. 

The Royal Waters had broken that morning and, right up until that moment, Bateaux London’s Symphony riverboat had been a sweaty little oasis of sanity away from the Kay Burley-led hysteria that gripped the UK’s media.

“We need more Queens!” the Dame opines before inviting suggestions for names.  There’s a few Victorias and Dianas but disappointingly no one suggests “Helen!”  The general consensus is that it’ll be a girl.  And human, as opposed to some Lovecraftian nightmare.  Later that day the baby is revealed to be a boy.  Which still doesn’t preclude him from making a very fine queen one day.

About 4 minutes after Mirren and Parker arrive, “the legend that is Bruce Willis” swaggers in to enthusiastic applause and whooping, trademark wry smirk firmly in place, and our host kicks things off by asking Mary-Louise Parker, bizarrely, if she actually drove the 2CV her character commandeers in one of the film’s lengthy chase scenes.

I’m a horrible driver and I don’t drive at all really.  Ever.” says Parker.

“And the one scene where they let me drive or asked me to drive, I drove straight into a wall. 

“And the director put it on a loop and watched it over and over again.  So no, they don’t trust me to even pull out of a parking spot.”

It’s around the time our host insists on showing off his schoolboy French by pronouncing 2CV “deux chevaux” and sharing with us his knowledge of the peculiarities of the Citroen’s gear shift that I start thinking about decking Hollywood royalty.

Parker has nothing but love for Willis though.

I love doing any scenes with him so, um, that’s, you know, the best part of the movie,” she says.  “But my character’s sorta helpless at action, she’s not really…she sorta fails miserably at it. 

“And it was fun to be bad at it, that was the fun part.”

The desire to punch Willis bubbles to the surface of my brain unbidden and ricochets around inside my skull, gathering speed, momentum. 

The schoolboy French is being deployed again, this time directed at Helen Mirren whose character infiltrates a psychiatric ward by masquerading as the Virgin Queen, Dame Helen being asked if it’s now “de rigueur” for her to have a regal moment in every film?

I can’t remember how that came about actually,” says Mirren.  “I think the writers had written, they thought it was very funny of course, that I would pretend to be the Queen.

“I think that I suggested it should be Elizabeth the First, who I have played, and I thought that would be a funnier take than being the present queen.  So, um, one forgets how these things come about, but certainly the writers thought it would be hysterical to see me play the Queen.

It’s not that I want to punch Bruce Willis!  God, no.  It’s just that…he’s Bruce Freaking Willis!  And he looks pretty damn good for a 58-year-old!

Vanity plays a big part in my staying in shape,” says Willis.  “I have to think about the food that I eat.  And I also have to think about lifting and moving around…ah, the weights.  Barbells.  Things like that.

He’s got 20 years on me and he’s in better shape than I’ve ever been but still…he’s only sitting about 30 feet away!  Once I get up and move into the aisle, I’ll have a clear run.  8, maybe 9, steps and a lunge is all it would take.

I don’t do that many stunts,” Willis shares.  “I would do the stunts if I could.  But I’m not allowed to ever, EVER…be hurt.

Let’s face it; this is the only chance I’m ever liable to get to take down one of the biggest action stars in the world!  Who wouldn’t think about it, fantasise about it?

“This movie has expanded from the first,” says Mirren.  “They go to incredible locations, that they didn’t write me into, like Paris.” 

She continues: “The film is bigger in a sense and I think you always learn, that’s the great advantage of coming to do a second one, you can learn from the first and what was so wonderful about the first was these wonderful, fully realised quirky characters and the comedy and the romance and the action. 

“And that’s a very difficult balance - to make a film that has genuine love/romance in it, that has great comedy and has a lot of action in it.  And that’s the ball we try to keep in the air all the time through this movie. 

“But at the same time, playing it with great seriousness, if you like.  It’s not tongue-in-cheek.  All of these characters are very serious about who they are and what they do.  I think it’s just faster and funnier and a little more furious than the first one.”

Willis obviously agrees. 

“When we did the first film it was very ambitious; it’s not often that they try to make a film that has romance, action and comedy all in the same film. 

“I always thought that one part of it was gonna be kicked out but it stayed in and it all stayed in.  So this time the writers have just added more romance, more action, more comedy.” 

Who am I kidding?  I’m not going to punch Bruce Willis.  I love Bruce Willis.  Always have.  Not that keen on his politics - he banged the drum for Dubya, for God’s sake! - but he’s rarely made a film I haven’t enjoyed.  ‘Cept maybe Cop Out.  No one liked Cop Out. 

And he obviously had a ball reuniting with the cast of the first RED. 

“When we all got back together,” says Willis.  “I think it was just about two years in between or a year and a half in between, but when we started back to work, it was as if we had just seen each other the day before.  Everybody was already in character and showed up ready to work.

“I like to work in ensemble casts, I like to work with this group of actors especially.  I think we were very fortunate to get Tony Hopkins and Catherine Zeta-Jones and Byung-hun Lee and the cast we did the first film with. 

“All we try to do, all day long, is just make each other laugh and hopefully that gets on the screen and you’ll find something funny as well.  I like working with all these actors, I’m a big fan of Sir Anthony Hopkins.”

The problem with press junkets are that no one wants to ask anything controversial, no one wants to ask anything that’s going to rock the boat.  We all want to be asked back so no one’s willing to stick their neck out and ask anything interesting.  No one asks Mary-Louise Parker about her recent statements about her intentions to quit acting because the Internet’s nasty, instead someone asks if she likes the coat she got to wear in Paris.  No one dares ask Willis about that appearance on The One Show, even if it’s on all of our minds, though he is asked about his singing career and if he has plans to revive it or to take on a musical role?

Fortunately not,” says Willis.  “I don’t…I shout in key.  There are a lot of really good singers in the world and I’m really happy to let them handle all the heavy lifting.

“I just can’t stand to hear the sound of my own voice when I sing.  It really is…excruciating.”

Which is refreshing coming from a man who would’ve had a UK Number One but for the Pet Shop Boys.  So we’re not going to see a Jean Valjean, a Sweeney Todd or even a Captain Von Trapp any time soon from Willis.  But after a quarter of a century as Hollywood’s premier action hero, his performance in RED 2 is still fresh, still fun.

Well, I try not to take it very seriously,” says Willis.  “It’s just a difficult thing if you take yourself seriously or if you take the film seriously.  All I’m ever just trying to be is entertaining and the action sequences and things like that are just part of a certain kind of entertainment, not my favourite. 

“I like to try to make people laugh more than I like to fight in films.

Notorious for not enjoying doing press, the boat is easing towards the dock when Willis makes his feelings plain. 

“My favourite part of making films is the actual day-to-day process of getting in front of the camera and trying to make it seem lifelike, trying to make it funny, trying to make it romantic and all this (the press & publicity) is, I know, a good part of films.  It’s the sales, the explanation of how we made the movie or how we didn’t, but my favourite part is actually making the movie and going to work every day.”

And with that, the boat docks and he’s gone, the wry smirk playing across his face, and as the assembled press pack scurry to retrieve their recording devices, I idly wonder if I have time to blag another beer before going ashore.  

David Watson


Exclusive to this blog as no one wanted to take the chance on publishing a piece where I fantasise about punching the biggest action star on the planet






No comments:

Post a Comment